


Push It Down

by bitofageek



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Assault, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-03-28 17:22:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13908714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitofageek/pseuds/bitofageek
Summary: Inside John's head, seasons 3-4, and what a massively dangerous dick he was to Sherlock





	Push It Down

He thought he had it together. But it crept out. God, the anger just under the surface. He was better… before the fall… and then Mary… and it was all good.

And then Sherlock was back - he wasn’t dead - and the pain ROARED, not grief, never that - that hurts TOO much - but RAGE. He tackled his best friend. He punched him. He headbutted him. And after Mary told him she liked Sherlock, and after they didn’t explode, he let some of the grief out, he forgave Sherlock (mostly)… but buried the rage.  
{Push it down}

 

****  
Shot

He’s been shot. He can’t die, not again. I can’t take this. Don’t make me grieve again Sherlock, don’t you DARE. It’s too much. 

{Push it down}

Mary

All he could see was red. The blood on Sherlock’s shirt, the rage behind his OWN eyes.  
Lies, lies, lies. My fault? What the bloody hell?{Push it down}

“Arrival time... 8 minutes”... “did you bring morphine?”  
What the F*K am I doing? What kind of a doctor am I? Jesus, he’s bleeding internally and I didn’t see it.  
Sherlock, don’t you DARE. It’s too much. 

Mary how could you?!? 

{Push it down}

 

****  
Shot

She’s been shot. She can’t die. RAGE {Push it down} 

It won’t stay down {Push it down} 

You said you’d protect her

{Push it down}  
It won’t stay down … 

anybody but you 

{Push it down}  
It won’t stay down  
{Push it down}

 

Therapy

{Push it down}  
It won’t stay down  
{Push it down} 

It didn’t work the last time. 

What did?  
Sherlock  
Shut up, it’s his fault!  
Really?

{Push it down}  
It won’t stay down 

{Push it down} {Push it down} {Push it down} 

 

He’s high. On a case. Why am I here?  
{Push it down} 

Is this a trick?  
“It’s not a trick, it’s a plan”... “you won’t like it”  
{Push it down}  
It won’t stay down  
{Push it down} 

Is sherlock right?  
{Push it down} It won’t stay down {Push it down}

“Are you confessing?”  
(Wake up John! / You see, but you don’t observe - Shut up!)  
{Push it down}  
It won’t stay down  
{Push it down}

“Either I’m a serial killer .... or Sherlock Holmes is off his tits on drugs”  
is this a trick?  
{Push it down}  
It won’t stay down  
{Push it down}

 

The scalpel  
RAGE - it won’t stay down

He’s down - it won’t stay down  
RAGE  
RAGE  
RAGE  
RAGE  
.  
.  
.  
“He’s entitled. I killed his wife”  
{Push it down}  
It won’t stay down  
{Push it down} 

“yes you did”

NO - you didn’t!  
I have to go, I can’t, run run run 

“...a parting gift” - hide hide hide  
.  
.  
.  
“He’s all emotion” Mrs. Hudson says “He stabs it”  
NO  
“Miss me?”.... Mary - “Go to hell, Sherlock... Save John Watson”  
Oh GOD  
“Pick a fight”  
NO  
“Harms way”  
NO  
Oh god, what have I done?!?

 

Rescue  
“You cock”  
Relief {what have I done?!?} Shame  
.  
.  
.  
‘you didn’t kill mary’  
...  
“It’s not ok”  
“It is what it is”  
.  
.  
It’s worse than that...

 

I hit him. Over and over. He didn’t hit back. He never hit back. I hit him and he never hit back. What the hell have I done? 

You’re a bloody doctor, john. Fix it.

**Author's Note:**

> Whew! My first foray into fanfic - ho boy (NERVOUS!). I hope you like it. Never thought I'd write, not sure how much I have in me. But the series moved me - and especially series 3/4 when the episodes don't seem to make room for all the emotional stuff the characters are being put through. Fanfiction is wonderfully cathartic and satisfying :)


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